past and pending

I cant tell you how many times I have awoke, bolt upright in bed, darkness pouring in from all directions and the chill of the freezing air creeping into every opening that it can find. Your mind isn't moving when you arise so quickly for no particular reason. Your thoughts are suspended within the darkness, held up by silence, and floating atop a thick layer of cold. As my eyes adjust lethargically to the trickle of moonlight seeping in below the curtains, my thoughts slowly drift back to their rightful places within my head. The slow inflow of actuality sweeping silently back through my body.  Vision slowly adjusts from the hazy blur of blackness to a grey mixture of lethargy and light. In this brief period of time all reality escapes from your grasp. Actuality is a meaningless combination of past and pending thoughts and actions which await at your awakening. Timidly slipping into my head, a thought. A dream really. I'm standing. Two feet on the ground. Walking. Normal. My life is back to normal. All I have to do is stand up! Things are alright, it was all a nightmare! A mere sliver of light enters my half opened eye lids and with it travels the coldness of truth. A weight, not only physical but mental bears down on my right leg. Sending my head spinning into a whirlwind of confusion and sadness. My head hits the pillow again. Normal. I long for it so badly. Why did it have to be taken so swiftly? I can still picture the millisecond of time before I plummeted forward into the utter destruction of my life as I knew it. As the rest of thoughts of despair flood my mind, I slowly close my eyes again and picture myself, I'm slacklining, I step forward, my mind absent from the present moment as my life is balanced on one inch of material connecting me to the air beneath my feet. This connection of ones soul to the sky above me, brings upon a euphoria inexplicable to a bystander. All thoughts and feelings of reality are displaced and left within them a filler of joy, happiness, bliss, absolute control over the world you are in. Filled with this feeling, the lids of my eyes gently close back down onto my face and the blackness consumes my soul for the time being and my dreams become the place in which I transport myself to escape from this madness that I have entered into. Or maybe I was always there. I was just living it then. Who knows.

adaptation

Two weeks to the day. Time seems to be steadily slipping past like the clouds across the blue sky. Its interesting to see how much faster things actually move when you aren't moving along with them. A rapid transition from my once fast paced, "go till' ya' blow" lifestyle to that of a stationary observer. Ordinary tasks that occur in day to day life are thrown into slow motion. 2 minutes to get out of bed and go pee? Try 6. 2 to get out of bed, 1 to get to the bathroom, 1 to take care of business, and 2 to get back down and into bed. The time that just took multiplied throughout all the tasks in ordinary day to day life seem to advance time rapidly.  There is a sharp contrast between wanting to do something and having the physical capabilities to complete the task. Say bending down to pick up something...you cant. Carry your drink to the couch? To bad your hands are carrying you! I now see a constant need to adapt to my new situation is setting into my life. I have a hard time with placing reliance into other people. Frustration comes easy when I cannot do something myself. I am seeing that this is now a characteristic that I need to work on changing. Luckily the strong determination and will to overcome is still persistent and likely to get stronger as I carry on. Things will be interesting for a while, that is certain.

madness

A week. Its been short. Or has it? I guess time flies when your trapped in your mind. It probably doesn't. I settled into a daily routine of redundancy and pain. Coupled by the two and trapped to my own devices I have slowly entered into the mindset of a disillusioned adventurer and dreamer. Its not easy going so quickly from the life where almost every day is spent out off the confines of the household and in a world of action adventure and fun. Its easy to forget how much you enjoy being on your feet. Jumping on things, climbing on things. The mere thought of it lately comes close to bringing me to tears. I would have thought reading adventure stories would bring me some solace, I am beginning to think it merely drives me closer to the brink of maddness. Here I am, literally "casted" into the world of immobilization, where my best friend and now worst enemy is the imagination in me. Hopefully some sort of creative vice will come along to help me escape this inconceivable torture of my soul. If only standing on one foot wasn't so discomforting. Perhaps something about the constant grind and crackle of bone on bone has forced me to think otherwise. I suppose time itself will force me to endure the seemingly endless routine of merely having to lie down for 20 hours of the day... Perhaps something will come up. Something to take me away.

broken

The season ender..It happened fast. Its funny how you can never expect something like this to happen to someone like yourself. I wasn't ready for it.

Racer ready? Three..Two..One! I pushed off, skated once, pushed, skated again and was off, the pitch steepened, speed came fast, Ruts. Lots of them. Push it out of your mind. Turn, angulate, carve. Back to the other side. Half way down, speed was intense, rain covered goggles, look past it. The straight. Tucked down. Beyond fast. Carve right. Ruts. Catch. An edge hooks as my body pivots left my skis stay facing right. I hear it.. POP!!! "surreal" I think. Falling forward, flip, slide, facing back up hill. Panic. No pain yet. I yell. Scream. Try to pull my feet underneath, my leg is rubber. More yelling. Voices on the sides. Pain. Intense pain.  "Get up" "Keep going" I put my face down and yell louder. Running. Crunchy snow. My eyes open. Somebody there. "my skis" "get them off"! Pop, one ski. Pop. YELL! Aghhhhh!!!! "its broken". Sick to my stomach, nothing to puke up. I cough. Roll. Rain. More rain. More voices. Radios. Help is coming. An eternity. At least it feels. Finally a sled. They told me it would hurt.. It did. They pull. More yells. Its in a splint. Not moving anymore. Breathe Breathe Breathe. Still on the hill. They lift, I drag myself into the sled. Strap Strap. Going down hill. Every bump is like a sledgehammer. Flat ground. Voices. I open my eyes, teammates staring down. I close them again. Motor. Snowmobile pulling me. Again flat ground. Another gurney. Voices. I'm moving up high. Into a room. Warmth. Inside. Jackets coming off. Dazed. Nitrogen. Breathe. Breathe. Voices fade. Pain gone. Lights darken. Breathe Breathe. Feeling. Am I feeling? Snap back. Pain. Point your toes. Pulling.. AGHHH! boot off. Moved again. Walking. Doors open. Slide. In the ambulance. Oxygen. Pulse. Machines hooked everywhere. Shaking. Cant stop shaking. Cold? No. Scared. Moving. Driving. Buildings fade. Snow. A daze. A blur. Stopped. Inside now. Warmth. Its over. Clothes off. Pain killers. Head rush. Lights fade and I'm numb....X Rays..Broken. So broken. Reality hits. I'm over. Its done. The season is done. Tears. I close my eyes. This is it. I'm broken.

Capture the moments

I just invested a small fortune into a DSLR camera. I am excited beyond comprehension! "A picture says a thousand words" so they say...If at all i am to adopt a new years "resolution" i think that one thing to resolve towards would be to start capturing moments in my life. I have so many ways to take pictures, videos, anything that can capture the moment that i am experiencing and share it with the world will give me a greater sense of purpose and fulfillment in the things that i am doing. My life is an adventure why not share it!? So i reslove to always have a camera in my hand, pocket, boat, harness, jacket, anything! Iphone, GoPro, Olympus, and my brand new Canon Rebel T3i :) prepare for pictures because they are coming!! 

Here it is

a blog. well this is it... why might you ask? heres what i'm thinking; during the last year of my life as a teenager and high school student i think that a blog will be a good way to channel my thoughts and creative energy while documenting some of the life changing events that all of us as seniors will be experiencing as we move away from school and home into the "real" world. And in the mean time, all of the adventures that i encounter while i am kayaking, climbing, slacklining, skiing and doing the things i love will be shared with the world in hopefully an informative and exciting format.  I hope that this is a good way to find out how i best express myself and be able to open up my thoughts and ideas to the outside world. Feedback would be much appreciated..
Here we go 2012!